[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
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doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.