Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
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Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird