Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
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She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
mumsnet is amazing
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest