Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
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DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee