Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
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HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
c’mon!
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on