My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
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I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!