I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
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Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Dudes named Chance never had one.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Real House Wines.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday