If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
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Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff