I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
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Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
2022 be like
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.