[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
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date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”