My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
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My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Cow it started Cow it’s going
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart