All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
You Might Also Like
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
This is my emotional support knife.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom