robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
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Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
subtitles are so good nowadays
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it