[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
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Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
No Google it does not
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes