I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
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Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.