The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
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I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.