“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
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Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.