Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
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Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Battery falling down a hole
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?