Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
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this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
can’t talk my ride’s here
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK