Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
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“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop: