Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
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Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
is frankincense just very honest incense?
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.