dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
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Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*