I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
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People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Please do it!
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.