ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
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Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
multitasking lunch
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?