My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
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If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.