When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
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Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
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Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”