the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
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We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Best mom ever 😂
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
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