I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
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“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
A woman drives into a bar.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie