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The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
i think both sides are to blame here
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
This why you should mind your business
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.