me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
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The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
that colleague who touches your screen
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not