*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
I’m not stressed
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Dishonest mechanic?
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it