I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
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[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Cake safety first. Always.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Well, shit
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]