At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
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Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.