If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
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why am I working on Labor Day
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
You know…for fall…
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.