[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
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Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
This classic never gets old . . .
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.