Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
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[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed