10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
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My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
me doing my best
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes