*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
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sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?