A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
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Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent