What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
You Might Also Like
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”