Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
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[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.