When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
You Might Also Like
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”