As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
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I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Meow
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*