If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
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one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
wishing you and yours all the best
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely