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man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…