The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
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I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse