Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
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me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit