I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
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If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine