Merica.
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Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
My wife has the worst taste in men.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
i guess his teacher was really pissed
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.