The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
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Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Risking my life for fun.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
you gotta be faster
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone